2009 already, and over halfway into February at that. I'm not sure where the time went. We finally have our own apartment here in the Netherlands, but I still don't have any art done. I'd like to blame it on the unpacking process but I'm also not having a great time mentally right now either. I've felt more inclined to write lately though. I think I just want to feel like I've done something at least quasi-creative.

News since I last wrote:
Went back home for vacation in July, visited parents, went to Sermeet and went to Toronto, had muchly fun.
My grandfather passed away in September and I had to fly back for his funeral and such. He was the last grandparent I had. It broke my heart and I'm still having dreams of him.
2 of our dogs have passed away, one just the other week, which has also been a source of much grief.
The last 6 months have had way too much death in them for both me and for people I know and care about.
Went back home for xmas with the parents, was at their house for 3 weeks then in Toronto again for a weekish.
Passed the first level Dutch proficiency exam I had to take in order to be able to eventually apply for a permanent residency card here in a couple years. Still need to take the second level one to go to college here.
Seem to be having more problems with general anxiety lately and also had a bad mental freakout last month. Not cool.
Finally got a drawing tablet that I can use but haven't played around with it much yet. Need to do so badly.
Me and Jochem's 6 year anniversary is on Friday.

I think that's it. So. Yeah.

So I haven't updated this thing in a while. It's been about 6 months or so since I really checked my watchlist too. Cleared out a bunch of stuff so far. Not much going on on my front. Still not doing much art, still haven't moved out into our own place. Hopefully soon. Jochem's thinking about buying a DSLR camera so I'll get to use that to take photos when he gets it. I've mostly been playing a metric crapload of City of Heroes/Villains. I'm pondering drawing some of my characters or maybe getting some commisioned. Dunno, I have to decide. I'll be heading back to the US in July for 3 weeks to visit friends, family, and loves. I'm very much looking forward to it.

My parents lost their house because of the mortgage shit that's going on, but they were able to get a new one. It'll be strange going home to a different house in a different place. Hopefully these next 2 weeks will pass by quick. Hopefully flying won't be too much of a pain in the ass. Airlines are charging for the second checked bag now and gas is estimated to be up to $5/gallon by the time July 4th rolls around. Lovely. Luckily I have the Euro on my side Yay for being on the right side of the exchange rate. Jochem and I have decided we're finally going to buy a Wii so I'll be picking one up when I go back to the states. Woo. That's it for now I guess.

So I haven't updated the journal in a while. Oops. My subscription has also run out, which makes me sad I tried to renew it, but it won't let the payment go through. It's probably because my billing address is in the States still and my IP is from the Netherlands. Goddammit. I have over 800 deviations in my watchlist, but it's so tedious to go through them without the thumbnail view >_< Sigh.

I've moved over to the Netherlands, finally, to live with my boyfriend Jochem. We flew over in January. Still don't have our own place yet, but at least I'm finally on broadband. I can't work until I get my residency permit, so I theoretically have time for getting some art done, I just haven't managed to do so yet. Bought some acrylics, oils, watercolors, pastels. You'd think with all this stuff I'd manage to get something done.

Again, I can't seem to pull anything out from my head. It's so frustrating. Blah.

So I've just come back from a weeklong and a bit vacation to see/meet some of my online friends, which included meeting my girlfriend, ~sonietta, for the first time.

I'd talk about it, but I can't without crying. She's beautiful and I'm insanely in love with her, and that pretty much sums it up.

I will be posting some poetry soon probably, maybe visual art if I get any done, but who knows. Probably scrap stuff in the new sketchbook I got for my birthday. She makes me feel inspired, though. One of the many things I love about her.

I also will be posting up some more older poetry that I've remembered to find again, so that will be going up as well. I post in spurts. I should really do this more often. Ah well.

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Much to my

Two of my worst enemies. I hate being bored. I'm home now from my Netherlands trip, have been since January 11th. Family is having money trouble, Papa (my grandpa) is forgetting things now and messed up the mortgage payments on the building my family runs the driving range from, as well as the 2 mortgages on his house and the one my family's living in. They're trying to get a loan to cover it but can't yet. I'm tired of crying over money, I'm tired of my family crying over money. Dad's working as much overtime as he can, but he's only one person. Mom's on disability. Papa also didn't pay his insurance, so it was taken away, and with that, his license plates for the Cadillac that I used to drive. I don't have any money because I spent everything I made over the summer to pay back Syracuse. I can't get a job because I have no car and don't have the money to pay for one. Dad's trying to get the Cadillac back on the road and Jochem is going to send me money to try to help pay for it. I hate having to borrow money from him for my expenses, I absolutely hate it. Pride thing. Meh.

My artistic drive is currently null because I'm so stressed out. I can't write anything, I can't draw anything. I still don't have a scanner that will function. Mom bought a cheapish digital camera type thing, so I might be able to use that to take pictures of any drawings I do. I might use it to put the old things I did in HS up in my gallery when I get enough energy. I wish I could get all this energy out of me and put it into something creative but all I end up is restless. I've finally got the measurements for ~talas's back so I can hopefully maybe start working on bits for hir backpiece, but again, not sure where to start. Hoping I can manage something soon.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being so artistically frustrated. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can be right now, which, if you know me at all, is something that's rather difficult. I hate sitting throughout my whole day, I hate not having to be anywhere or do anything. I'd rather be busy than bored. Most of all, I really wish I had a job right now because it would give me something to do and bring in money. Every hour I don't work, I feel like I'm wasting.

My subscription runs out soon. Boo

Also, thanks so much to for my Valentine's Card. It was awesome and made me smile. Check her work out because it's very pretty. Thanks to my ~sonietta who helps me get through the days, and thanks to my dorknut Jochem who doesn't have a dA and probably won't read this but oh well.

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Much to my